The bed got made around 3:30.
The diapers soaked a little longer,
The odor grew a little stronger.
The crumbs I spilled the day before,
Are staring at me from the floor.
The fingerprints there on the wall,
Will likely be there still next fall.
The dirty streaks on those window panes,
Will Still be there next time it rains.
Shame on you, you sit and say,
Just what did you do today?
I held a baby til he slept,
I held a toddler while she wept.
I played a game of hide and seek,
I squeezed a toy so it would squeak.
I pulled a wagon, sang a song,
Taught a child right from wrong.
What did I do this whole day through?
Not much that shows, I guess that's true.
Unless you think that what I've done
Might be important to someone,
With dark brown eyes and soft brown hair.
If that is true... I've done my share."
One year ago, I was struggling more than I ever have in my life. I was a new mom-of-two and I felt like I was failing more than I was allowed. I felt like Morgan needed me more than I could give and Riley was dependent on me for more than I had. I was in an emotional haze and I was not living up to my own expectations.
One night, I called my husband in a panic and demanded that he come home immediately. I told him the thoughts that I couldn't get out of my head, thoughts that I had NEVER heard in my own mind before. I had looked at my life, and felt certain that everyone would be better off without me in their world, that my children were done a disservice for getting me as a mother and they would be so much better taken care of without me. I thought I should no longer be a part of this world.
Instead of listening my head, I called my husband and asked for help. I wept to him about all my failings and told him how scared I was of all the damage I was doing to our kids by not being a good mother....
And he reminded me that depression lies and that I was dead wrong. My children needed me and he needed me. He helped me take a deep breath and look at my sweet offspring. Riley was laying peacefully on my bed resting with his angelic face and Morgan was adoringly watching a show on her LeapPad next to him. Both of them were safe and healthy and well taken care of. The only person's expectations I was not meeting.... were my own.
So I convinced myself to give myself a break. And I am still here one year later, and my kids? Well my kids are... they are happy and healthy and well taken care of and amazing and smart and wonderful. They make my life worth living and remind of all the good I have done in this world by having them and teaching the best way to be an important part of our society.
I am blessed to be a stay-at-home mom and I am blessed to have these small humans love me so dearly. I am blessed to have a husband who cares about what I think of myself and continually reminds me that I am doing an amazing job.
In short? I am blessed.
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