How One Becomes A Christian--My Story

When I was a teenager, I found God and devoted my life to him by baptism of complete immersion in water. It was a long journey to get that point, and while I have lost a lot of details of the time, I still vividly recall the feeling of safety and love of my God at that time.

It didn't take long for my life to go awry. I have kept my faith in God steadfast throughout, but I can't claim that I was living anywhere near His image nor was any kind of good Christian. I was a typical teen with typical teen problems and mistakes... but then I was an atypical teen at the same time. In the years of my remaining teens and early adulthood were filled with lies, deceit, unplanned pregnancy, infidelity and so much more that leaves me being thankful that my God already knows all my mistakes so I don't have to hash them all out here.

Before I continue, I have to say that I am very far from proud of the following story. I am telling it in it's honesty because I know that it has to be told that way. A lot of people were hurt during this time and I don't want to reopen any wounds. My goal is to complete the healing process for all involved and to put my own testimony of the power of Our God into words.

Several years ago I was married to a man whom I had known for a very long time. We were unhappy for a lot of reasons for a very long time. About the time that we had decided to through in the towel on our marriage, we were blessed with the news that we were finally expecting a baby together: something we had both wanted. As in many stories, we took this as a sign to work harder on things and choose to stay married and raise our daughter together.

Many can guess, but the child did not make things better. Our marriage stayed unhappy and turned toxic and hurtful on both sides. It was a nightmare that I still can't believe I lived through. I spent many days wondering how to come out of this awful relationship without losing my daughter. I didn't see a way for the man was adamant that if I left, he would be keeping our only child from me. That was not a risk I was willing to take and he knew it.

Around the time that our precious little girl turned two years old, her father left the country with the military on a six-month deployment. A few weeks later found me on the phone with a dear friend having a familiar-to-me conversation: How could I leave and still keep my child? Now was the easiest time, but how does this all work out? What does my life look like if I just take off before he comes back home?

That friend was my biggest spiritual compass during all the worst years of my life. She said to me, "I know you have prayed about this and I have prayed for you so much. But have you truly handed this situation over to Him and let Him do His Will?" I was so confused by her question.

"What do you mean? God can't put money in my private savings account and find me a place to live and ensure me full custody of my daughter? I have asked Him for His help and so far there has been a lot of radio silence! I have to figure this out..."

My ever-patient friend sighed and told me again, "You have to let go of this. You cannot control something this big. It is already in His plan. Say your prayers and tell Him that you will do as he sees fit, whatever it may be and just wait for the solutions to come to you. Stop thinking about it and wait."

Not gong to lie, I thought she had lost her mind a bit. But after four years in an unhealthy situation, I was ready to try anything. So that night after putting my darling daughter to bed, I had a chat with my God. I told him that I had tried everything I could, but I no longer knew what to do that. I told Him that keeping my daughter was the single most important thing in my life and that everything else could be sacrificed, but not her. I told Him that I would hand over control to Him and trust that he would show me the path meant for me. Then I went to sleep with a heart full of hope.

The very next afternoon, less than 24 hours later, my husband calls me from the country he is in. I was out at the grocery store and we had a terrible connection--which wasn't unusual. There were a lot of things sad on his end that I didn't hear at all and other things I couldn't decode through the static and blank spots. To this day, I still don't know what else was said because I have never asked. Here is what I do know...

The conversation started with a lot of interference and the first thing I could understand was "I think we should get a divorce." My heart froze, unsure what to think. This is what I wanted, but what would that mean for my child and me if I agreed? I told him I didn't understand since we had just started hours earlier and everything was fine (well our version of fine). His explanations and reasoning was completely lost over the oceans that separated us and they will remain there.

The other parts of the call that got through clearly were that he was willing to give me full custody so our daughter could live with me because he knows I am wonderful mother (something he had never before said to me) and that we would split up all property equally. We ended the terribly-connected call with plans to talk later the next day and I was just utterly shocked.

I honestly have no idea what happened to spark this change in my ex-husband, but it came immediately after my vow to let God take the reigns and steer my life down the best path for me. I have never asked the ex why he finally was willing to let me have our daughter and end a very miserable four-year marriage. I won't ever ask him either, because I don't need to. I know, with zero doubts, that God put the whole thing into play just for me.

Today, I have two other children with my now-husband and I can't even begin to describe how happy and fulfilled I am. My daughter's father is still in her life and they talk and visit often which makes me happy for her. My ex and I have a relationship based on our mutual love for our daughter and so things are generally pretty amicable between us. The life I have today is the life that I thought I would never be allowed to have; the kind of life that I felt God just simply left out of His divine plan for me,

So that's my story about how My God took me out of the most awful situation of my life the moment I relinquished control. It is my testimony and will always be my reminder that He has a plan for us all and it is far greater than any of us could ever have guessed.

Christmas Evolution

Although, my family is not celebrating Christmas for a few days, I find myself reflecting on my Christmases past. Growing up, a large Christmas event on Christmas Eve was always the highlight of my season, as any large family get-together always has been. As an adult, I was not really a fan of the Christmas season.

Looking back nine year ago to 2006 (my first Christmas as a real adult), I recall spending the holiday alone as my ex was deployed and having an older friend buy me beer at a 7/11 so I could sit a home and drink alone. It was possibly the most depressing holiday I have personally experienced.

The following few years brough more family into my life as I spend the next several Christmases in Quincy with my family. Although, outside of those celebration, my holiday spirit was non-existant at home. In 2010, I decorated and put up a tree for Morgan's first Christmas and adopted the motto of "fake it til you make it" regarding Christmas cheer.

Although I was happy to give presents to my daughter and see how much she liked Christmas decoration, lights and seeing Santa, I was still just doing it for her each year and found no joy in the holiday myself.

That is until about three years ago. Riley was not concieved and Morgan was just over 2. It was our first Christmas with Shain​ and it was like a light had gone on inside. I found a new joy in Morgan's joy and excited. I loved seeing Shain anxious to give Morgan and I the gifts he had picked out and seeing him put lights up outside our duplex. I wasn't with my large family that I adore, but I had this amazing feeling of completeness in our small home with our family of three that I had never felt before.

Now each year, I get more excited about the holidays and the great things I can teach my children about the season. This year Morgan is learning about Jesus and giving and appreciation for what you recieve, no matter what it is. I'm excited to turn on our tree each day and to see the "Merry Christmas" sign on my door. It took me quite a long time, but I think I finally found my personal reason for the season and love being able to be surrounded by my amazing kids and wonderful husband each year (even if none of our other family can be with us).

So Merry Christmas to everyone and congrats if you made it through my rambling.

Depression Lies Because I Am Blessed

"Today I left some dishes dirty,
The bed got made around 3:30.
The diapers soaked a little longer,
The odor grew a little stronger.
The crumbs I spilled the day before,
Are staring at me from the floor.
The fingerprints there on the wall,
Will likely be there still next fall.
The dirty streaks on those window panes,
Will Still be there next time it rains.
Shame on you, you sit and say,
Just what did you do today?
I held a baby til he slept,
I held a toddler while she wept.
I played a game of hide and seek,
I squeezed a toy so it would squeak.
I pulled a wagon, sang a song,
Taught a child right from wrong.
What did I do this whole day through?
Not much that shows, I guess that's true.
Unless you think that what I've done
Might be important to someone,
With dark brown eyes and soft brown hair.
If that is true... I've done my share."

One year ago, I was struggling more than I ever have in my life. I was a new mom-of-two and I felt like I was failing more than I was allowed. I felt like Morgan needed me more than I could give and Riley was dependent on me for more than I had. I was in an emotional haze and I was not living up to my own expectations.

One night, I called my husband in a panic and demanded that he come home immediately. I told him the thoughts that I couldn't get out of my head, thoughts that I had NEVER heard in my own mind before. I had looked at my life, and felt certain that everyone would be better off without me in their world, that my children were done a disservice for getting me as a mother and they would be so much better taken care of without me. I thought I should no longer be a part of this world.

Instead of listening my head, I called my husband and asked for help. I wept to him about all my failings and told him how scared I was of all the damage I was doing to our kids by not being a good mother....

And he reminded me that depression lies and that I was dead wrong. My children needed me and he needed me. He helped me take a deep breath and look at my sweet offspring. Riley was laying peacefully on my bed resting with his angelic face and Morgan was adoringly watching a show on her LeapPad next to him. Both of them were safe and healthy and well taken care of. The only person's expectations I was not meeting.... were my own.

So I convinced myself to give myself a break. And I am still here one year later, and my kids? Well my kids are... they are happy and healthy and well taken care of and amazing and smart and wonderful. They make my life worth living and remind of all the good I have done in this world by having them and teaching the best way to be an important part of our society.

I am blessed to be a stay-at-home mom and I am blessed to have these small humans love me so dearly. I am blessed to have a husband who cares about what I think of myself and continually reminds me that I am doing an amazing job.

In short? I am blessed.

Catching up by taking a break

I have been so behind on reviews and mommy duties lately that I haven't spent any time to make a post for myself. I am still behind on about 5 reviews, but I have to share a mommy secret I have found recently that, I believe, may save my sanity.

Whenever I am overwhelmed and overrun by my life--the dishes are overflowing in my kitchen that is only equipped with a dishwasher labeled "mama" <<freeze here while I remember that I have not refilled my daughter's 8th cup of chocolate milk like she asked me before her brother pooped>>

OK where was I?
All over the place?
Sounds like me.

Anyway, I was talking about how overwhelming life can be! I have two small children (almost one and almost 4--love the birthday season in our house almost as much as I despise it) and a husband who works a lot to provide for our family so I can be home with our tiny blessings.

Let's not forget about the two dogs, the crazy cat and any other family relationships I have to foster. With all of that, I spend a lot of my days helping or caring for others. Do you know what though? I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Please read that accurately: I wouldn't have it any other way.
Meaning: I love my life, I love my kids, I love my husband.
I do not love the limited number of hours in a day.
I do not love all the things I have to cram into those few hours.
I do not love cleaning up animal or even human excrement <<yes, we potty training -- and excuse me while I refill aforementioned chocolate milk and find a new shows for my daughter and quickly act out the previous episode of Jake and the Neverland Pirates>>

Resuming with... ummmm .... what I do to distress on days when I feel like the list of things I have to get done are deafening me? Well, I tried a lot of things:

I tried to organize myself better for maximize time efficiency -- but I ended up spending way too much time organizing and getting stressed out when things didn't go as planned.

Let's face it, you can't plan meltdowns or potty accidents or what times your baby is going to need his mommy to hold him every second of the day.

You just can't account for those things, which is why I am always late to E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Seriously, I am late to the grocery store. How? Talent. Natural talent.

Insert very important tip here: ctrl+z is a mommy blogger lifesaver --and so is my husband who I just called in a panic because I was unsure how to fix my mistake over typing over THIS WHOLE POST! Thank you for bailing me out calmly, love! <<hitting SAVE now>>

OK OK So what is my secret if not any of those things they normally suggest?

I do nothing. Nothing at all.

<<I just had to stop my son from eating the toilet paper so my daughter could use it to wipe while on the toilet. Does any mother think this is what their life will be like?>>

Nothing, you ask? That seems ...  highly unproductive? Don't worry, you are right, it is. Doing nothing gets nothing accomplished. 

And some days, that is what you need more than a clean house -- trust me

Instead of cleaning or stressing or organizing or making phone calls or setting up appointments or balancing our account, I spend time with my kids just enjoying their childhood.

And it is beautiful.

My son whistles, yes whistles, while he plays and I don't know the last time I found something so thoroughly entertaining. 

My daughter has mastered the art of reenacting scenes from her favorite shows, she dances almost all the time and she talks just. like. me. I am both terrified and thrilled at this new development.

My children found the time and ability to play together with minimal catastrophes, while I was busy stressing over the Fruit Loops on the high chair and the water in the bathroom floor.

This morning I took a time out with my daughter while my son napped and my husband was out for his morning run. We put together a puzzle and I was shocked at how smart she is and how I could let my control freak-ness rest while she took her time to figure out where the pieces go.

This is true beauty.
These minutes were so much more productive than cleaning that crazy thing called a kitchen behind her.
Life is made up of moments like this and I am going to soak them all in.

So that's my lesson: take your time figuring out where the pieces go and love every minute of it.